http://childdevelopmentsite.com/ Articles at Child Development Site en-us http://childdevelopmentsite.com/family-relationships/the-smart-parents-way-to-handle-children-and-divorce.html http://childdevelopmentsite.com/family-relationships/the-smart-parents-way-to-handle-children-and-divorce.html Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:17:26 -0600
The courts sometimes encourage such behavior by giving the child 'permission' to stay away from that spouse if he/she simply doesn't want to see the parent. For some parents, the pain involved with children and divorce is immense.

Coping with such pain is much like the jogger who develops asthma. Sooner or later, he/she realizes that it's impossible to run through the pain. Acceptance of limitations is the only alternative. Hopefully, the limitation will eventually go away.

Luckily, with children, the initial anger often does melt into acceptance, but only if you are there to receive it. If you are angry and pouting yourself, you might miss the opportunity to change your relationship with your child.

Interestingly enough, with angry children, the same dynamic is often at play. If they are angry long enough, they may get you to change (that is often why people stay angry with us) and/or they don't have to feel the pain of loss. The good news is that they, too, will eventually be forced to accept the loss and accept their limitation and learn to love you as a divorced parent.

After accepting the loss, they often can re-negotiate a relationship with the alienated parent - but only when the child is ready. It falls on the parent, then, to be the adult and non rejecting.

This is often complicated by the other parent finding a series of unsuccessful relationships or a new mate. Your finding new relationship(s) and/or a mate makes the picture more complicated. And then again, other children are often present - complicating things even further.

However, this does not mean that inappropriate behavior goes unnoticed or unaddressed. Such behavior should be dealt with fairly, and then, dismissed immediately. Making choices between what is truly inappropriate and what is merely irritating you because you've just about had enough...this is one area where a set of personal guidelines combined with outside feedback can be helpful.

Here is one man's philosophy about dealing with his angry, 11 year old daughter, which can help in other situations involving children and divorce:


1. I will love my child even though she verbalizes not loving me.
2. I will show that love by expressing it when I talk to her, no matter how nasty and mean she is back.
3. I will tell my younger 2 children that angry, mean behavior is not appropriate and that I love their sister, but don't like her behavior right now (but only if asked by the kids or if they witness the behavior and an explanation is in order.) She will be held accountable for inappropriate behavior just like the other children.
4. I will write letters to my daughter on other subjects, other than the divorce, and continue the relationship.
5. When I see her I will smile and say "How you doing?" and attempt conversations as possible.
6. If the alienation continues I will take her to a psychotherapist and learn to have moderated conversations.
7. I will not take the barbs personally if possible. She is only reflecting a mean spirited, angry person's teachings and isn't old enough yet to have developed this type of opinion of me.
8. When the time comes, I will sit with her and talk it out if she gives me a chance.
9. I will ask other people in her life who have contact to talk to her about her father in positive ways and elicit responses from her. (The bagel man who knows her has done this for me in the past---he tells her: "Your father loves you.")
10. I will take care of myself as well as I can to survive the feeling of loss that is there when you are rejected by someone you love.

Finding a support group, online or offline can be the key to survival. You can often find such groups at a local hospital, church, mental health clinic, through a psychotherapist, or even among your own friends.

Wherever you go, share from your heart what is happening with your children and divorce and how you feel. Don't bottle up the pain....many people have it and their understanding can be tremendously helpful.

Dr. Marlene M. Maheu, a Licensed Psychologist, is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of one of the largest self-help & psychology portals, SelfhelpMagazine. More articles from this author are available at http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/. Original article link: http://selfhelpmagazine.com/article/children-and-divorce ]]> http://childdevelopmentsite.com/family-relationships/what-to-bring-a-new-mom-in-the-hospital.html http://childdevelopmentsite.com/family-relationships/what-to-bring-a-new-mom-in-the-hospital.html Sun, 08 Nov 2009 01:41:31 -0600
The perfect gift while visiting the hospital is simply time. Spend time with the new mom, new baby and be sure to take a camera. My favorite newborn shots were taken in the hospital and given to me by my visitors. Looking back you can't remember how little the newborns were or who actually visited. Getting snapshots commemorating the event are great to keep and look back upon over the years as the little one grows up. A special gift indeed! Spend time holding the little one…giving mom a needed break…while at the hospital. Send dad out for coffee or give him a chance to run home and shower. If you have time give it willingly to the new family. Food is always a good gift too when you visit the hospital! Snacks for the room are handy and chocolate chip cookies are good for mom, dad and other siblings…who doesn't like chocolate chip cookies?

When the new mom gets home the best gift to bring is a meal or a cleaning lady. New moms are too busy to cook and clean and having someone do that for them is such a relief! Of course, cute little sleepers or outfits are good too. If there are siblings at home you may want to consider a little something for the older sibling…coloring book, ball, jump rope; something that will keep the older brother or sister occupied while mom takes care of the newborn. Personalized gifts are especially good if the newborn has brothers or sisters. It's nice to have something new and just for them and putting their name on it makes it extra special.

As you can see little things are the best gifts to give new moms and tots—time, food, an outfit; whatever fits your budget. As always, it's the thought that counts in gift giving!

You can find great personalized gifts and gifts for mom and siblings at www.jackandjillsbabyboutique.com. Happy shopping! ]]>